Big Me and Little Me

There is two of us

a big me and a little me

Big me tries to keep little me happy

Sometimes, big me succeeds, sometimes big me fails

When big me understands little me, we are happy

When big me does not, we are sad and angry

When little me understands big me, we are peaceful

When little me does not, we are sad and angry

So complex is this parenting

the bridging of the gap between big me and little me

Restless

My hands got to keep doing

My mouth got to keep chewing

My mind got to keep thinking

I try, so hard to be in the here and now

To soak in the air, flowers and the conversations

To let go - of this fiddling, chewing, thinking

And when that doesn't happen, which is frequent enough

I learn to soothe myself.

To say it is OK, its just me, that we shall begin again

But something, someone deep inside

Keeps bringing up a complaint, every now and then

That all is not OK - this book, this place, this milk shake.. something, anything.

Sometimes, I manage to say it is OK the way it is

The other times, I float into that world of "not OK"

I am a frequent visitor there

Got my own special VIP pass for the place.

The Echo

I had a vision in which I saw my Mom as my echo.  

If I said to her, 'I want to run away to a far away place where no one knows me, I knew she had the same to say to me.

If I said to her, I want to end all this, commit suicide, she would have the same to say to me.

If I said, I have done so much for you. Come such a long way. She had the same to say to me, for she has indeed come a long way in accepting my lifestyle choices. 

We are two women facing each other, holding hands but looking away from the other, torn between love and beliefs.

I knew whatever move I made, my reflection would simply emulate me. 

The only way to change my reflection is to change me. 

Fear

After all these years, I was full of hope; till once again you showed on the way

Fear I thought, I had conquered you, till you raised a different head

Feeling free, I was merrily hopping down the street, you showed up once again

I thought I left you far behind, you laughed at my ignorant ways

You changed forms, you changes shapes

Your job only to scare me from my way

But now I understand you better

And I walk through you with my head held high

For I know you are no more than a cloud of dust

Body

My heart beats in a rhythm

My lungs breathe in a rhythm

My body symmetrical

Eyes for seeing, nose for smelling

Ears for listening, tongue for tasting

Skin for feeling

Heart for pumping, lungs for breathing

Stomach for digesting, legs for standing

Millions of small cells doing their job without complaining

What a piece of art my body is!

What a fine miracle my body is!

Desire

Desire

I was born out of desire, the desire of two people

As a foetus, I had a desire, the desire to grow and survive

And then I had a desire, to see the world outside

The "silisila" of desire continued

As an infant I desired to be held, nurtured and loved

As a child, I desired to learn, explore and grow

The "silsila" of desire continued

Till someday, I heard, some of my desires were not OK

And then I learnt, to hide my desires for fear of being punished or ridicule

I also learnt of some other important desires that I "should" inculcate

I worked hard on the desires I should, in the process forgot about my own desires

All was OK in my world

Till one day, the suppressed voices of my own desires

Came to haunt me

We are your desire. We are your desire. They screamed

I was scared. I muffled these voices. I silenced them

I told them, "They were wrong. They were childish. They had no role in my life."

They refused to go. They continued to haunt me.

So I gave in. And I tried a desire.

For a while I felt good.

Till the voices came back once again to mock me

"Who are you fooling? That is not your desire."

"Go back to your childhood and dig deep. Dig those buried dreams."

Do you have the courage to follow that child's dreams?

To live a life of that child's dreams?

If not, we will continue to haunt you

And follow you till your last breath.

You will desire to be free of us

You will desire a peaceful death

But till you don't honor that child's desire

How do you expect

Born of desire, yet rejecting your desires

Desire

To wake up is a desire

To look good is a desire

To eat is a desire

To laugh is a desire

To connect with others is a desire

To see the beauty in the world is a desire

To love is a desire

To feel loved is a desire

To accomplish is a desire

To feel happy is a desire

To relax is a desire

To make love is a desire

To have children is a desire

To sleep is a desire

Can I then make desire the torch of my life

And stop questioning it every step of the way!

Death

Death, what is it?

I hear my grandpa's words in my head
I feel my father's art in my blood
I see my grandma's kindness in my hands
I sense my friend's spirit in my chest

I stretch out my hands in the air
And hear, see, feel, sense
All the joys and laments
Of all those before me and and after me

Death then what is it?