The Anger Within

Few weeks back, my brother, along with his fiancé came visiting me and mom. Now, Mom and I stay in a two-room apartment. Having a guest stay over (which is rare) means giving up my bedroom and sharing the other room with my mother. 

My brother and his fiancé were supposed to stay over for two days .I had mentally braced myself for that period. But when at the end of the two days period, they announced their plans to extend their stay by another two days, my heart sank. 

I caught myself feeling irritable and angry with everyone around me, especially with my mother. I stopped myself in my tracks. What was happening? 

Fortunately, I had recently come across a different approach to anger management in a spiritual text. The text spoke about my feelings being my soul’s ways of communicating with me. Each feeling communicates a particular need, desire, or a state of being to me. Sometimes, the feelings tell me of a lack, and at other times of the fulfillment of a need. And the feeling of anger is usually our soul shouting to us about an unmet need.

 This approach to anger management consists of five steps :

Step 1 : Take responsibility for my anger without blaming external circumstances or other people for it. My anger is “my” feeling. I am feeling angry - PERIOD. I cannot blame other people - mother, brother, his fiancé, etc for my anger. I revised my statement from “I am angry with my brother for overstaying in my room.” To “I am angry.”

Step 2 : Pray ( you may laugh but it works) .I sat down in a quiet place and prayed to my Higher Power,” God, I am angry, and I hand over my anger to you. Help me return to a place of sanity.”

Step 3 : Share it  – I have discovered that sharing my feelings with someone else always helps. The feeling becomes less intense. I feel lighter and saner. Humans are social animals. When I share about my anger with someone I trust, my desire to express my anger in damaging or unhealthy ways diminishes. 

Step 4 : Write about what caused the anger. Writing is cathartic. It puts me in touch with my deepest needs and fears . In this particular scenario, I wrote about my anger, and discovered my need to have some private space to myself. It was not my brother, or mother, or anyone else. It was the un-fulfillment of my need that caused the anger. 

Step 5 : Take action to fulfill the need. Upon discovering my need for private space, I went to a park, and spent some solitary time with myself. I felt calmer. When I returned, I asked my brother in a respectful manner if he could spend some time somewhere else , so I could have my room for a few hours. He understood. I got the room.

Everybody was happy in the end.