Am I Worthy?

I am a human "being" and not a human "doing". Hearing this phrase made me ponder about my life.

 I have always prided myself on being an efficient and productive human being. I have always had long “To do lists” and I have managed to check most of the items on those lists on a regular basis. I am always thinking about the next thing to "do". To just "be" is an alien concept for me.

Recently, a friend gave me a book on the dubious topic of “Shame.” I buried myself into understanding the contents of that book. The book was written by a famous American psychologist, lending it credibility and making it worth my hours.

As per the book, Human Shame is Universal in character. The Shame stems from our recognition of our limited capabilities and capacities. As children, most of us do not receive unconditional love from our parents.  When that happens we feel “Unworthy”. We feel something is wrong with us since there cannot be anything wrong with our parents. Our parents are like Gods to us. We then start feeling ashamed of our selves due to this deep sense of unworthiness.

The only ways to feel worthy, to reduce this shame and to feel loved then are:  through achievement and through good behavior.

 Our life’s journey then becomes about the struggle to climb higher and higher on the ladder of achievement. Each step higher makes us feel more worthy of being loved and respected.  Each certificate, each promotion, each medal makes our parents more and more proud of us. They love us more. We grow and expand from the appreciation we receive from our boss, colleagues, friends, etc. They will not reject us now. I have proven my worthiness to them.

The other way to gain that love is by becoming good boys and good girls. We learn about acceptable behavior, attitudes and mannerisms and adhere to them to the best of our ability so that we are loved. My parents’ ideals and desires may not be mine but I follow some of them just to keep them happy. My life begins to revolve around keeping other people around me happy. That way they continue to love me and not reject me. My own happiness does not figure in the equation. I am happy in keeping my family members happy.

Love is the food for the human soul. And we will go to any lengths to feel loved and accepted.

Our constant discomfort stems from this inherent sense of our unworthiness. I am unworthy of being loved. So let me go and achieve some more. Let me try to look better. Let me try to be a better father/daughter/wife.

In this struggle to appear worthy, somewhere I lose a sense of my own self. I become distant from my own inner being. I forget who am I. I forget my own values, desires and aspirations. I become dishonest with my ownself. And if I am dishonest with my own self, how can I ever be honest with anyone else?

I forget about accepting, respecting and loving my own self.  If I cannot really love myself, can I really love anyone else? My relationships and life's purpose are all then based on my neediness - my need to appear worthy to others. I want to be loved because I am incapable of loving myself. I need to be told that I am worthy because I have lost my own inherent sense of worthiness.

Every morning when I wake up, I tell myself “I am worthy.”