For most of my working life, I have been afraid of public
speaking but three years of sabbatical spent on peace and introspection seem to
have taken their toll on my ego.
Back at a job for the last six months, I have been catching
myself feeling nervous and shaken when meeting new people, or in meetings of
more than two people. While I give myself all kind of affirmations, and furnish
my grey cells with historical evidence of my good work, the feelings of fear
seem to gush forward from an unknown and irrational fountain. I seem to have no
control over these feelings.
Filling me with panic, they threaten to diminish me to
nothingness. I have done everything in my power to deal with them. Surrender to
the feelings, change the script in my head, share with another person, say a
Prayer and handover, write about it, ground myself, or turn the situation
comical in my head. But the feelings return!!!
Last weekend as I was lying down, I caught glimpses of my
ownself from the past – glimpses of me from my younger days – a confident,
vibrant, dynamic, outspoken, rebellious person. It suddenly dawned upon me that
I was already that person that I was seeking or wanting to be. I was that person,
but the veneer of fear had stopped me from accessing that person. I decided to
stick to that vision of myself, those glimpses of myself that reminded me of
who I really am!!!
And it works ……………
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