A Commotion of Emotions

I had a friend. And that friend became my lover. He was my lover for eight years. He used to write amorous and devotional poems in my honor. Waking up from my sleep in the middle of the night, I would find him lovingly stroking my hair or massaging my feet. He would buy me all kinds of gifts. He would listen for hours to my sob stories and offer me his shoulder. He taught me to dream, and he taught me to laugh again. He held my hand and brought me on the path to recovery.

That man was my dream. The love was a fantasy. I felt blessed. I felt fulfilled and contented. The man became my anchor in the storm of life.

Time, the unbeatable villain struck my happiness. The love of tender and starry-eyed poems, of stroking my hair and of unending adulation has remained frozen in some long lost moments. The fantasy melted.

I reconciled to reality as I struggled with my understanding of the changing world. The dust began to settle down. Then a breeze blew. It was fresh. It was unsettling. It took away some of the dust. The heart was exposed. New desires stemmed in. Confusion brewed. Commotion of emotions happened.

Landslides, tourists, traffic and Government

Loaded with sandwiches and other goodies, I set off for Dhanaulti, on the morning of 15^th August. Since this was my first driving trip with my mother, I was brimming with excitement. We left early in the morning at 4.30 am to evade the barrage of mad vacationers’ rushing to nearby tourist destinations on this rare extended weekend. At 12.15 pm, we were driving up the gradually curving slopes of the Mussorie hill, happy in the knowledge that we had managed to beat the traffic and would reach just in time to order a hot, piping lunch at a road side Dhaba in Dhanaulti. The cool, richly fragrant mountain air had just begun to hit our senses when it started to pour outside. In just a short time, the windshield wipers were no match for the torrential downpour.

Just 10 kms outside Mussorie, we saw a random few cars turning back. Upon enquiry, the person at the toll post informed us that there had been a major landslide ahead and it was best advised to turn back. While the landslide washed away our holiday happiness, we absorbed the news and turned back the car promptly.  

We decided to stop at a Dhaba for lunch and keep a watch on the situation. However, most of the eating places on the way had closed down due to the rains and we had to drive down all the way back to the foot of the mountain. Over the next hour, we were horrified as we watched an endless stream of cars beginning their slow, steady climb towards Mussorie. There were all sorts of faces staring at us – young, couples in love, families with small kids and old parents laughing at shared jokes, groups of friends singing songs, and locals on their way for some business activities.

By the time, we had finished with our lunch, the traffic jam has reached all the way down to the foothill of the mountain, spanning for over 20 kms.

How was it that despite the landslide and a toll collection plaza, this never ending stream of cars was allowed entry on that mountain road? Where was the Uttaranchal traffic police? Who was managing this traffic blizzard? Why were people not being issued a travel warning? Did they not know about the landslides? Did they not anticipate this kind of traffic on 15^th August weekend?

Luckily for us, we decided to change our destination. We came to learn the next day that the landslide had been cleared at 1.30 pm in the night. Till then the medley of cars and their inhabitants had waited patiently or impatiently on the rain swept curves of the road leading to Mussorie.

This comes from a Government of a State that witnessed a major crisis and natural disaster just last year. One would have expected a more stream-lined, proactive and people friendly approach from this State. But there was no freedom in sight for these thousands stranded on that fateful Independence Day.

Rushing to find peace

My foot was pressed on the accelerator as I drove towards my morning meditation class. "Öh my God, "I was running late for the class.

And then a sudden awakening, "I am rushing and panicking for reaching the meditation class? I am going for the meditation class to experience serenity and calmness yet right now I am acting its opposite."

The idea is to feel peace and calmness at all times, to connect with the present at all times.

I will reach wherever I am going in God's time and not my time.

A valuable lesson learned that has served me well since then ( two years back)

Thinking Positive

Another lesson from my office setting :

I took my team member to my favorite pani puri place after an official meeting. The cab driver parked 50 mts ahead of the pani puri stall. As we walked towards our cab after relishing the pani puri, we realized the cab was nowhere in sight. We walked for more than 100 metres in each direction looking for the cab but there was no trace of it. I could not even call the cab driver as I had left all my belongings including my phone, purse and laptop inside the cab. I began to panic. "What if the cab driver had run off with all our belongings. The laptop itself was worth more than his monthly earnings."

As I shared these misgivings, my colleague calmly replied, "Why do you think like that? Everything will be OK. Always visualize and think of a positive outcome."

She was carrying her phone and called the admin guy at office who then contacted the cab driver. We found him a little ahead getting his bag patched by a local cobbler.

Another lesson learned - about my default settings !!!!

Good Relationships

Sometimes, all it takes is just overhearing a simple dialogue in the course of daily life that can sharpen our compass and help us refocus.

Two days back in my office, a girl approaches her team head, "We are all hungry and the office boy refuses to get us samosas from the market."

Team head laughs, "You know what the problem is! You guys do not invest in cultivating good relationships."

The lesson was simple, delivered with a hearty laugh in one sentence. Profound !!!

Life is about relationships - with myself, with God, with my friends and family, people outside and the office boy

How I came to accept my Mother

I had a love-hate relationship with my mother while growing up. There was a part of her that I really loved, and another part of her that I really hated. And sometimes the hate would become more powerful than the love that I had for her.

I grew up in dysfunctional family environment full of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My mother worked hard to provide me with the best education. There were times of joy. We had family vacations, warm moments at home, and dreams for the future.

As I grew up and made the wrong career and relationship choices, my self-hatred also grew. I blamed my mother and childhood environment for making me the person that I was.

And then I found a spiritual program. I started rebuilding my life. I had a brand new career, enough money in the bank and a simply wonderful and loving boyfriend.

I started building bridges with my mother once again. Animosity gave way to new bonding. We started sharing our joys and worries. We went together on a three month long backpacking trip across South East Asia – one of my most memorable trips ever. My relationship with my mother was at its best ever. We were buddies all over again.

And then the shit hit the fan. My mother stubbornly refused to support my proposed marriage to my boyfriend on grounds of religion. She moved in with me and constantly started meddling with all aspects of my life.

I was going through a tumultuous period in my life. Everything that I had built in the previous years started collapsing around me like a pack of cards. My self-worth was at its lowest ever. My boyfriend moved to London, I quit my job, I let go of my deceitful friends, my finances were in chaos. Thoughts of suicide filled me.

I found a therapist and at her insistence started looking at my past. Suddenly, all the stored anger from my childhood resurfaced. Till then I had thought that I had forgiven my mother and all those from my past who had wronged. But the anger was there, very much alive.

I became very angry with my mother. I started confronting her about all the wrongs done to me in my childhood, about her inability to protect and nurture me as a mother. I just received denial in response from her which angered me further.

“So what, all parents beat up their children!”

Through a lot of reading and help from my therapist, I realized that I would never receive the particular brand of love and nurturing that I expected from my mother. I had to become my own mother and do it for myself. I had to nurture and love the child within me.

As a first step, I stopped confronting my mother or engaging with her in any sorts of arguments. I would get angry with her constant comments on my lifestyle but continue with what I thought best for me. I wanted to be my own individual, and not someone dictated by my mother, the society or any philosophy.

As I started focusing on myself more, building my boundaries and creating joy in my life, I found more peace in my life.

I stopped reacting to her. I felt I had detached myself only to realize some time later that I was still reacting to her internally. I would still feel irritated internally when she would call for me, or ask me to do something.

I questioned myself over it. What was happening here? Why was I getting irritated with her now?

I realized I still judged her and internally criticized her for the poor life choices and decisions that she made.

‘ Why does she still suffer like this? Why can she not make better decisions? Why can she not be more planned? Why does she scream in the mornings?”

It took me a while to make a list of my mother’s strengths and nurturing nature in all areas of her life. I decided to focus on her strengths and not the parts of her that I disliked. ( I don’t like calling them weaknesses anymore – I may see them as weaknesses but someone else may not).

As I started seeing a more holistic image of my mother, my love and respect for her started flowing back.  And in the process, it allowed me to accept my own imperfections. As I became more compassionate towards her, I became more compassionate towards myself. It was a two way street.

No wonder they say that resentments are the poison of the soul. They deprive us of the nourishing power of love.

A Sense of Self Worth

I took a six month sabbatical from work and the general worries of life to experience the bliss and pleasures of a peaceful and stress-free life. I also prayed to God daily to reveal my true creative expression to me. By the end of this period, I would clearly know my true vocation that would bring me endless joy and fulfilment.

The six months were incredible, a chapter straight from a fairy tale. I enrolled for art and music classes. I went for bicycle rides in my neighbourhood literally catching butterflies in the air. I went for long coffee dates with friends, read books by my favourite authors and watched mindless cinema. I spent time meditating and doing yoga, connecting with nature and doing self- introspection.  It was really as I had envisaged it to be – peaceful and blissful.

However, every fairy tale has an ending. As I approached the end of my six months honeymoon period, my savings started dipping, and I started panicking. I still had no clear answers about my right vocation. I had a plenitude of interests and I enjoyed them all, but there was still no clear focus.

There was the dreaded thought –  I may have to join back the very job that I had quit a long while back with the intention of never looking back in that direction. These thoughts started tormenting me, and the old voices came back, “You are a loser.” ‘God has been so mean to me, I really prayed hard for clarity in this area of my life.” “I have wasted all this time. I should have picked up a public speaking or communication course that would have added to my resume, rather than the art and music classes.” “Despite the peaceful time, I still could not connect well with myself to figure out my true creative expression.” “You have lost again.” The voices continued to haunt me.

I continued to pray, meditate, write and share. Somewhere down the line, as the anguish started became unbearable and I could feel myself breaking down, a sudden shift happened. The shift was not in my environment but in my perspective.

New, nurturing voices started filling up my mind space. “I have not wasted time. All my life I have made conscious choices - choices I thought were best at that particular point in time, best for my happiness and survival. Even today, my choices are geared in that direction.”

 I took a hard look at all the events of my life, and suddenly all the choices and decisions that I had made in my life made sense to me. There were no bad decisions, no bad choices. Each one of them had been necessary for my existence and for my growth.

As I went through all the disappointments and achievements of my life, a powerful sense of empowerment enveloped me. I possessed the life skills, strengths and attitude to win the toughest battles of my life. I was a winner with an amazing grit and determination.

And while earlier I had been undervaluing myself when applying for jobs, I now decided to apply for top management jobs. If I had done all that I had done in my life, I did possess the necessary aptitude to get a top job and do it well.

And when the responses did not arrive, it did not minimize my being like it would do earlier. I reminded myself, “I know my worth today. It is their loss that they cannot see it. I don’t need someone to validate my self-worth for me. I have the self-belief to start from anywhere and still be happy.”