A Sense of Self Worth

I took a six month sabbatical from work and the general worries of life to experience the bliss and pleasures of a peaceful and stress-free life. I also prayed to God daily to reveal my true creative expression to me. By the end of this period, I would clearly know my true vocation that would bring me endless joy and fulfilment.

The six months were incredible, a chapter straight from a fairy tale. I enrolled for art and music classes. I went for bicycle rides in my neighbourhood literally catching butterflies in the air. I went for long coffee dates with friends, read books by my favourite authors and watched mindless cinema. I spent time meditating and doing yoga, connecting with nature and doing self- introspection.  It was really as I had envisaged it to be – peaceful and blissful.

However, every fairy tale has an ending. As I approached the end of my six months honeymoon period, my savings started dipping, and I started panicking. I still had no clear answers about my right vocation. I had a plenitude of interests and I enjoyed them all, but there was still no clear focus.

There was the dreaded thought –  I may have to join back the very job that I had quit a long while back with the intention of never looking back in that direction. These thoughts started tormenting me, and the old voices came back, “You are a loser.” ‘God has been so mean to me, I really prayed hard for clarity in this area of my life.” “I have wasted all this time. I should have picked up a public speaking or communication course that would have added to my resume, rather than the art and music classes.” “Despite the peaceful time, I still could not connect well with myself to figure out my true creative expression.” “You have lost again.” The voices continued to haunt me.

I continued to pray, meditate, write and share. Somewhere down the line, as the anguish started became unbearable and I could feel myself breaking down, a sudden shift happened. The shift was not in my environment but in my perspective.

New, nurturing voices started filling up my mind space. “I have not wasted time. All my life I have made conscious choices - choices I thought were best at that particular point in time, best for my happiness and survival. Even today, my choices are geared in that direction.”

 I took a hard look at all the events of my life, and suddenly all the choices and decisions that I had made in my life made sense to me. There were no bad decisions, no bad choices. Each one of them had been necessary for my existence and for my growth.

As I went through all the disappointments and achievements of my life, a powerful sense of empowerment enveloped me. I possessed the life skills, strengths and attitude to win the toughest battles of my life. I was a winner with an amazing grit and determination.

And while earlier I had been undervaluing myself when applying for jobs, I now decided to apply for top management jobs. If I had done all that I had done in my life, I did possess the necessary aptitude to get a top job and do it well.

And when the responses did not arrive, it did not minimize my being like it would do earlier. I reminded myself, “I know my worth today. It is their loss that they cannot see it. I don’t need someone to validate my self-worth for me. I have the self-belief to start from anywhere and still be happy.”