I am Enough

It was the severe dread instilled in my heart while waiting outside the ICU for an update on my grandmother’s health that made me realize “I am enough.”

Several thoughts raced through my mind as mom and I waited outside the ICU.  “Ventilators mean long term medical care. It is going to cost a lot of money. Granny is not insured. “

“How will I arrange the money? What all assets can I sell immediately?”

“All these grand thoughts of being on sabbatical and learning art and music are fantasy at the end of the day. I should have continued with my job. I would have had the necessary funds and access to any loans that I may need at this time.”

My beloved grandmother had fallen sick all of a sudden. We had rushed her to the hospital and doctors had straightaway put her on the ventilator as she was suffering from an acute respiratory disorder.

The next wave of dark thoughts began!

“Oh God, I feel so alone”. I wish there was someone I could call to be here with me at this hour. I wish I could seek advice from someone I trusted.”

I continued to burn in the fury of these thoughts for the next hour before respite came in the form of nurturing and loving thoughts.

“I am not in charge. God is in charge.”

“I could have access to all the money in the world and yet not be able to save my Granny. If Granny is destined to get better, God will show me the way.”

And then:

“I have taken care of myself all my life. I took care of myself when I was a little child growing up in a dysfunctional family. I have survived much bitterness and disappointments.”

“I have many achievements to my merit. I have won some really tough battles in life. All this while, I took care of myself. I can take care of this too. I can take care of my Grandmother. I have always been enough. I am enough now. I do not need anyone else.”

Grace had happened. The weight of victimhood was replaced by the lighter, breezier feelings of empowerment and belief in me.

Nine days later, when the doctors recommended an elaborate procedure known as tracheostomy, my heart skipped a beat. The procedure requires the ventilator tube to be inserted through a slit in the neck. Patients can take months to wean off the tube. It would involve a lot of funds and intensive care. Once again my faith shook as I wondered about what all it entailed.

But the feeling of empowerment was restored. I told my mother in a firm voice, “Let us pull up our socks now. We will give it our best.”

“As for the funds, we can sell off all that we have. We earned this money. We created these assets. We did it, and we can do it all over again. I am enough. You are enough.”

Empowerment is a matter of perspective. It is about how I choose to look at my life. Do I want to continue the victim script of “Poor Me” or do I want to feel empowered and say, ‘I can deal with this. This is simply life happening.” It is a choice I make.