Letter from 80 year old me to the 35 year old me

I was asked to write a letter from “me at 80 years” to “me now at 35 years” expressing what the 80 year old Pearl, looking back at her life would want the Pearl right now to do with her life. I wrote it impromptu, so please excuse the causal writing. I never intended to make it public initially, but then I asked myself – what the hell, I want to share my lessons and experiences with others. Here goes the letter:

Dear Pearl at 35

I send you my love. My memory is somewhat faded but I still remember all the wonderful times we had together. I would very much like to tell you to get off your ass and go out and fulfill your dreams - does not matter how, just go out and fulfill them. Do not worry about money and other issues. Do not give in to your fears.  Just book that ticket to South America - your dream destination. You will never regret it, it will become one of the most cherished memories of your life - trust me on that. I promise you. 

Book that ticket. Do not over-think it. Ask for some help from the people you know there - ask Vandana, Deepa, etc... but just go, go, go, go.... The experience will leave you completely transformed. And when you are 80 years of age, and you look back at life, you will be really glad that you did it for me and for your own self. The trip will set the stage for all your other dreams to follow. So go for it. Do not wait any longer. You have already caused yourself so much trauma and pain by waiting for so long. Nothing else matters. The dream is waiting for you to fulfill it.

And yes, keep writing. Your writing is improving day by day. I am a published author today but it is all thanks to you, and your consistent effort - so keep writing and keep the faith .

Lots of love
Pearl at 80

What do you think "80 year old you" would ask you to do with your life now?

Dialogue with the Therapist

Therapist : What does your inner voice tell you?

Me : To go traveling ( Giggles)

Therapist : Why are you giggling? Are you feeling embarrassed?

Me : Yes I am. People are doing community service, doing great things for their families, building brands, inventing stuff, etc and my inner voice is telling me to go traveling at this age. It just feels a bit frivolous by comparison.

Therapist : Do you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with traveling?

Me: Well , I believe it is recreational in nature. It is the sport of either the rich or the really passionate. I feel I am neither.

Therapist : Do you perceive anything fundamentally flawed in that belief?

Me: Yes I do . It does not make sense even to my dull mind. I have always told others to follow their own  hearts, and to do what they believe in.

Therapist : Do you see how you trivialize your own needs and feelings? Forget others. You do it to yourself. You make fun of your own wants and desires. You laugh at them , feel embarrassed about them. You carry a flawed belief about your desires, and your capabilities to achieve them.

Me : Yes, I see

Am I a Loser?

Changing the Script of my Life

I have started writing the morning pages. Every morning I jump straight out of my  bed  to my desk, where I start scribbling in my diary. I have committed to writing three pages every day . My pen furiously captures my stream of consciousness in these pages and I never review anything that I have written. 

I have been appalled at the themes emerging in these pages. One of the issues that came up in the pages was my recent struggle to wake up early in the morning and follow my morning routine like the good old times. And for some time now I had been failing miserably at this endeavor. My mind said that I should not make a big issue out of something so insignificant. However, the reality was that since it had been appearing prominently and consistently in my morning pages, it must have been a big deal for me somehow.

I wrote in my morning pages about how big a loser I was . The voice in my head kept telling me, “You are a lazy fart who will never move beyond these basic struggles in life. Forget about the big things, you will always be bogged down by the baggage of these un-necessary things.”. The voices would start a vicious cycle  in my head that would pull me down further and further during the day.

A few days back I came across an excellent piece of writing. I decided to follow the wisdom carried within that piece and take a reality check on my life. I discovered that I was anything but lazy. I was sincere to my work, I  was working out regularly in the evenings, I was involved in community service, I was fulfilling my responsibilities at home, I was catering to my own self expression needs, I was taking care of my pets, and so forth –  I was anything but lazy. This was reality substantiated by hard evidence. 

My feelings had been giving me a false signal, far separated from reality. I decided to take corrective action by changing the script in my head. I decided to confront the voice of doom with the voice of reality. The script changed from  “I am a lazy loser” to “I am a hard working and industrious person. It is just that I have not been able to wake up early lately.”  And such a small shift in the script has brought immense relief to me. There has been peace in my head and in my life since then. Very soon after going through this process, I have been able to wake up early every morning without any struggle.

The whole process made me realize that these negative voices that go straight for my jugular, are not the reality. They are the critical voices carried and internalized from my childhood. They are the critical voices of my mother, grandmother and other significant people from my childhood. These people continue to live within me through their voices. And it is time that I reclaim myself by changing the script in my head.