Mom has been sick for last two days, so she has been home. There have been tidbits of conversation, mostly about the challenges with her restaurant, and how she is feeling. She has been declining all good advice and offers of help from me. I felt irritated. She is never going to change.
Today I was enjoying my lunch while she stuck to a bowl of curd, she started sharing a piece of Hadees with me. I listened in patience. I am interested in religious lore, for it contains many psychic insights. Well, the moral of the story turned out to be the good old, "The person who respects and serves his mother will occupy the highest position in society." She had read this particular story that morning.
A newspaper story about a 87 year old woman living by herself had reminded her of that Hadees. The woman put out a white paper outside her door every evening and removed it in the morning to let her neighbors know she was alive. Now Mom was condemning the woman's only son who had abandoned her 3 years back.
I have grown on a palette of such moralizing stories and recently have heard numerous stories of people being abandoned by their children in old age, I have felt empathy and compassion for these old people. I have often wondered what I could do for them. At the same time, I have come to believe that it is the values people pass on their children that makes them abandon their parents. If you teach your child the values of love, compassion, family, it is likely that the child will not abandon you. But if you teach your child to prioritize values like competitiveness, selfishness and moving ahead at all costs, then the child may not think twice before abandoning you. It is a value game. Individuation to me is different from abandonment.
As I presented my viewpoint, Mom started getting defensive. She pointed out, "The Hadees does not mention what sort of parents, it includes all parents."
By now, I was extremely irritated. I wanted to say something but she wouldn't allow me to say anything more, saying it is Gunnah to say anything like that.
I went back into my room and shut the door. I wanted to understand the source of my own angry feelings. I took out the teddy bear and imagining it to be Mom screamed and cursed it. I even punched and kicked it. I vented out all the anger I felt, permissible and non-permissible.
"You bitch! You are never going to change. You are always going to be a deadwood tied to me bringing me down. Your poor choices ruined my life, ruined my career. Because of you I am still not married nor have stability. I have to carry you around. I have to bear with all your nuisance concepts, concepts that have only served to harm and hurt me. I forgave you for the past because you didn't know better. But what about today, you have a choice to learn and understand. What do you do? You still cling to these outdated philosophies. "
Finally spent, I lay on the bed lifeless and empty. A weight had been removed. This was however only the beginning of the surgery.
This is how I summarized it:
I feel I have to take responsibility for her health, happiness and well-being. Because she refuses to do it for herself. She is like an emotionally handicapped woman. And you have to take care of a handicapped person.
Where did I learn that she cannot take care of herself? Where did I learn to be irritated and angry with her? Where did I learn that she is a dead bag? Where did I learn to be angry with her because she wont change?
Is it possible that it is I who refuses to change and am simply transferring my shadow on to her? Do I need to change? How?
I wanted to make best use of this emotional state. I decided on applying my NLP skills. Taking deep breaths, I calmed myself down and located the emotion in my physical body. It was the heaviness in the middle of my chest. I imagined its shape and the first thing that popped up was a banana, a raw banana. It was a long, solid banana. A child's voice came from inside.
The child was me at 5-6 years of age. I asked the child,'What are you doing in there?" She replied, 'I am hiding. Mom is standing outside and is angry. I am hiding from her."
But aren't you feeling scared in there? Isn't it uncomfortable being inside this hard banana?
"It is uncomfortable. It is dark and scared. But I am afraid of Mom standing out there."
At that moment, an image of a cool, serene lake popped in my head. I asked the child whether she would like to take a dip in that beautiful lake.
"I would love to. But I am scared of Mom."
It was time to use time regression.
When was the last time, I had felt the burden of taking care of Mom? Today! I imagined the scene. I asked her about her health and offered some good suggestions but she ignored me. How heavy did it feel in my chest? 8/10
I went back into several other episodes finally reaching childhood.
Some experiences from childhood:
When Mom and Dad fought or Dad beat up Mom, Nani always asked me to take care of Mom - feed her, give her water and offer her comfort. Who else does your Mom have?
I had learnt then that I had to take care of my Mom. I was responsible for her emotional, mental and physical well-being. Your poor Mother, she has no one but you. She does everything for you. These had been the messages from almost everyone around. Somehow the little child had taken it upon herself - her mother's well being was her responsibility.
I wanted to change the script. I imagined, a mature Aunt in the picture. The Aunt comes right after a fight and tells me, 'Go and play. A little girl like you has no role to play here. I will take care of Mom. Don't you worry."
What a relief I felt! The heaviness in my chest was gone and I breathed deep. I saw myself playing happily with the other children.
I brought the imaginary Aunt to other memories where I had been asked to take care of my Mom, including the most recent one. Suddenly, the burden was no longer there.
A child has no role to play in adult dramas. It is evil to ask a child to support the adults emotionally because the child does not understand what is happening. A child assumes responsibility where it is not hers and it is too much of a burden on the delicate shoulders. All sorts of evil emerge from this act!
Today, I give myself permission to play and be happy. I am not responsible for anyone's well-being including my mother's. She is an adult. When I remove myself from the scene, she expands - she is compelled to find resources within and outside her to support her, giving her self-belief.
I repeated the same exercise with , 'When did I feel my Mom stopped me from doing things?"
I remembered so many experiences - career, marriage, etc etc... In each of these scenes , I created a counter scene where I saw the choices I had. I always had the choice to walk out, to follow my own volition. I was anyways a rebel. But I did not. Because fear and lack of self-belief kept me back. Then how was Mom to be blamed?
Some of the heaviness is gone but I can see there is more work to be done in this area!
