Ramblings

Where I stand

I have opted out of the active social structure. Yet, I remain a part of it. I have come to accept myself as an integral part of the system, that I cannot exist outside it. Like a tree in a forest that upon recognizing a spreading sickness in its neighborhood may bring in its defenses but cannot separate itself from its ecosystem.

What I am actively doing is moving away from the busy social core to the fringes of this social order. It is a movement towards the fringes rather than a movement away from the core. At the fringes lie the undisturbed nature and the silence - a connection to sanity.

It is a slow movement towards this fringe. I am tied in to the social order - in terms of money and family. And the needs of my family have to be balanced with those of my own. They have their own ideas on living and balance. But each year, I move closer and closer to the fringe.

My love for nature deepens with my increasing appreciation of the myriad of miracles that nature propagates. The mycelium network, the sentient nature of the trees, the multiple ecosystems that exist within. It is a treasure trove of discovery, adventure and pleasures.

Nature, the greatest of teachers teaches me about appreciation and boundaries. I may appreciate certain plants , insects and animals but I am doomed if I do not draw my appropriate boundaries with them. It teaches me about connection. How disruption in one part of the ecology travels to its corners. The stronger trees that support the weaker trees teach me about empathy and connection. It teaches me about the equitable importance of busyness and rest. It teaches me about celebration. About survival.

I return home to file my taxes, fix the geyser, use my gadgets and indulge in gluttony.

It is all part of my place in life.

With each passing day, politics and social problems lose their relevance. The world takes a new beautiful meaning as I surround myself with the beautiful nature as God originally intended.

Let those at the social core solve the problems of the world.

My job is to remember and celebrate the beauty inherent in this world

My job is to sing songs of celebration

My job is to appreciate God's works. The works of the master creator

I leave humans to their nature, emotions and minds.

My engagement with the system is the price I pay for being a part of this ecological order. 

Do Genitals Exist in India

Indians pretend that either genitals do not exist or that they can live without them – I would like to see them trying the latter!

It is very ironical that the human body parts that are responsible for our very existence and for the perpetuation of human life, and that are a source of one of the greatest pleasures to us all are treated as virtually non-existent in our culture. And this is in a country, where images and statues of the lingam proliferate homes, temples, markets and minds. Why is it that we think about our genitals and their pleasurable functions frequently in our mind, yet we are hesitant to mention their very name? Is this the height of denial – symptomatic of a larger malaise breeding within our society?

Why is it that when a child touches his genitals, his mother nervously tells him, “Don’t play with your Pappu!” And everybody around breaks into giggles. Why is it that when my maid had a pain in her genitals, she did not have a name for the body part? Instead, she just said, “Down there”.

A therapist friend of mine recently organized a month long workshop on sexual abuse for bright, keen and intelligent psychology students. They were asked to take turns to draw the human body on a blackboard, and label each part. While all of them displayed great drawing and labeling skills, each of these bright students conveniently forgot to draw or label the genitals. My friend was shocked at this deliberate omission by well-educated college students. Is it that genitals do not exist in India, or is it that they are a vestigial organ that we have been taught to ignore? Why this façade?

Another incident that comes to mind was my recent experience at a Vipassana centre. I had expected a spiritual retreat to help me inculcate a more honest approach towards myself and life. However, I heard Mr Goenka’s voice bellowing from the tape recorder, “Feel every part of your body – the ankles, the calf muscles, the thighs, the back, the chest, chin, ears, forehead, head, etc.” At the end of the sermon , I felt very confused. He had instructed us to feel every part of the body, and while he had mentioned each of these parts, he had forgotten to mention the genitals. Was I supposed to feel the genitals or not? At the end of the meditation session, I walked up to the teacher, and asked her in a hushed tone, ‘Are we supposed to feel our genitals as well?” She whispered, “Yes, he said very part of the body.”  Damn it! Why did he not mention it then!

Who are these Sexual Offenders?

"Offenders are not born, they are created, they are created by people like us - by a society that refuses to take responsibility"

"Young children get sexually abused everyday but educated, and well-informed individuals refuse to take responsibility or any action. These children sometimes grow up to be sexual offenders and criminals. And then the society, always on the lookout for a target for its social evils is quick to point a finger at them. Who is responsible? Who created those offenders? "

Yesterday, my friend, Ashish came over to meet me to discuss a particular moral predicament.  He had discovered that the counsellor at a local rehabilitation centre, where he worked, had been sexually abusing four young boys in the age group of 12-14 years for some time now. The kids were street children who had been placed at the rehabilitation centre by a NGO.

He had immediately confronted the owner of the rehabilitation centre with this information. The owner, a young, well informed doctor himself, had pleaded with Ashish to suppress the matter. He had gone on to say, ‘Yeh Hota Hai Yaar. It is definitely tragic , but if you report the matter to the cops, I will be arrested and my career will be ruined forever. I promise you that I will fire the concerned counselor after a month”.

Ashish had been further shocked to find out that the other counselor, a lady from a well educated and affluent background, as well as a few of the other staff members had also known about this whole incident. Instead of taking any action against the perpetrator, they had tried to reason it out with Ashish. They were afraid that if Ashish called the cops, the rehabilitation centre would be shut down by the cops and they would lose their jobs. So it was in everybody’s best interest to hush up the matter.

Ashish realized that he was caught in a Catch 22 situation, straight from the Mahabharata. The doctor was an old and dear friend of his. While he felt extremely repulsed by the whole sequence of events, he did not wish to ruin the doctor’s life. 

Ashish had spoken to the kids. They had been visibly shaken by the whole experience. One of them had run away from the centre. Ashish had tried to provide some degree of consolation and comfort . They had pledged their support to Ashish and had agreed to speak up against the counsellor infront of the cops.

I could provide Ashish with only one piece of advice, ‘Do what your heart says is the right thing to do. At the end of the day, you have to live with your own conscience and not with someone else. A wrong is a wrong, no matter who is involved – your best friend, brother or lover. Values have to take precedence over personal relationships if we wish to have peace within our hearts and in the world outside.”

I offered to support Ashish in this particular battle in whichever way I could. We agreed to speak over the phone in the morning to discuss the matter. I was feeling stressed. I had committed to supporting Ashish but doubts began to take shape in my head, “Do I really have the time to do this? How much involvement can I afford in a matter such as this? Am I willing to go to the police station several times if required?”

I decided to seek advice from a friend who runs a NGO for survivors of child sexual abuse. I was dumbfounded by her advice, “ This is going to be too complicated. There will be too many unknown elements – cops, NGOs, etc and then there is your own friendship with this doctor. Do you want to get into this mess? We have to pick our battles in life. Even we ( her NGO) have to turn down cases of child sexual abuse at times when we feel we do not have sufficient resources with us.”

Ashish called me up in the morning to inform me that he had discussed the matter with his wife, following which he had quit his job at the rehabilitation centre.  He had decided to distance himself from the Doctor but at the same time would not to pursue the matter anymore .He did not wish to disrupt the Doctor’s life.

The question that was left hanging in my mind was ," Tomorrow even if one of these children was to grow up to be a sexual offender, who takes responsibility for that? The society may be quick to hang the offender, but what about the Doctor, the counselors, staff members, the child sexual abuse NGO, and most importantly me? Will I bear no responsibility for what happens?

The question that lingers in my mind is, “What about these kids who have been abused? What hope is there for them? Tomorrow even if one of these children was to grow up to be a sexual offender, who takes responsibility for that? The society may be quick to hang the offender, but what about the Doctor, the counselors, staff members, the child sexual abuse NGO, and most importantly me? Will I bear no responsibility for what happens?

We ask what is wrong with our society. We talk about the socio-cultural factors behind rape and sexual abuse in the country, and when we are faced with real life situations, we conveniently close our eyes and refuse to take responsibility. We knowingly chose to live in denial, wishing the whole thing away. And when the whole cycle repeats itself, we ask the question once more – What is wrong with our society?

And life continues……

“Quit Sutta Diaries”

My struggle to Quit Smoking

It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics - Anonymous

My love affair with cigarettes began several years back while on a trek with some friends . The first puffs were a disaster with me ending in a coughing bout . It took a little practice before I could exude the confidence of the chic, liberated female smoker who understands well how to hold the banal cigarette between her lips, inhale the smoke with a deep breath and then exhale it through the nostrils in a perfect orchestrated fashion . It was a feeling of great empowerment and liberation. 

Ten years later, I am struggling with trying to quit smoking. The doctor has informed me that I suffer from mild bronchitis and that every cigarette for me is equivalent to four cigarettes. My teeth are badly stained. I am full of fears. I am scared that I might end up contracting a deadly disease like cancer or that I might just die of a sudden heart attack. Or that I might just forget a lit cigarette around in the house at night resulting in me peacefully burning to ashes in my sleep.

Hence, time and again I have tried to make a commitment to myself – to try to quit smoking. And I have tried hard. 

One of the first motivations to quit smoking was to escape the bone chilling feeling of getting my teeth cleaned. It made me decide that I would not get my teeth cleaned again till I quit smoking. I thought the desperation of living with bad teeth would eventually be a motivating force powerful enough to make me quit smoking. Well, I was wrong.  I find myself in the position of having to cover my mouth with my hand while conversing with people and later on rushing to do my smoking Pranayama exercises.

Few months back, I made up my mind to quit smoking again. I decided to take the help of the wonder drug – the Nicotine gum. Hallelujah!  It worked – for a day. On the second day, I found myself enjoying a double dose of Nicotine – from the Nicotine gum as well as the cigarettes. 

 I am not a quitter. Last week I decided to give it another shot. I managed to trim down my consumption to two cigarettes a day. Every morning, I would send the maid ( who comes to clean the house) to buy one cigarette for me. After three days, she got tired . She suggested  buying a larger quantity together and hiding them inside the house. I advised her against it, educating her about my dog-nose for smokes. She refused to believe me and ignored my good advice. As was expected, I played detective and after 15 minutes of the treasure hunt found the cigarette pack neatly buried inside the rice sack in the kitchen. Luckily, she had bought only five cigarettes. The next morning, she was shocked to find them gone. I had the look of, “I told you so” on my face. 

Being a persevering person, she decided to give it another try. The next day, I discovered the cigarettes lying under the pile of old newspapers in the lobby. She gave up on the third day.

Last year, my grandmother made several big bottles of my favorite Namkeen mix for me. As she put one on my bedside, she urged me to use it as a substitute for cigarettes. I ended up smoking and putting on weight. 

Two years back,  I came across an advertisement in the newspaper– “Hypnosis for Quitting Smoking”. I went for the treatment for three days in a row. For the three days, I was very hopeful, and on the fourth day , I was smoking double the usual. On a friend’s advice, I even attended a 12 step support group for quitting nicotine. The group shut down after few months due to limited membership.

I have even tried herbal stuff like St John’s wart and calming tea. My mom bought me a book  filled with ghastly images of people suffering from various kinds of diseases contracted due to smoking. I just made felt sad for these people. 

I have spent days on introspective writing , putting down things like “Why I want to quit smoking” and “Quit Smoking plans and timetables”. I thought if I had the motives and plans in place, everything else would be simple.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of smoking.

I seem to have tried everything under the Sun to kick this disgusting habit. Any new ideas and suggestions are welcome.

Moral of the Story :  Do not pick up that first smoke; it ain’t cool !!!

Fun @ Free in Dilli

In a city where most decisions are based on the kind of money that you carry in your wallet, there is a question that remains: are there still ways to have fun without having to spend?

Here are my 6 favorite money-free ways to have fun:

1)      Taking Advantage of Delhi’s Nature – Delhi enjoys the reputation of being one of the greenest capitals in the world. And Delhiites are lucky to have plenty of big parks scattered all over the city.

My favorite one is Deer Park. I leave the daily world behind me when I enter the park. Just breathing in the fresh air and listening to the soothing sounds of birds chirping up in the trees is uplifting after a week of hardcore, nerve-wracking action. On the jogger’s trail, I run into bright colored peacock playing naughty games with their spouses. My next stop in the park is the deer enclosure were I can spend hours just watching and feeding the deer out of my hand. The park manages to silence all the senseless chattering voices in my head.

Over weekends, there is a group of drummers that gather in a section of the park to play their instruments in a beautiful synergistic manner. Over the years, I have observed their numbers swell. It is an open group and anyone owning a drumming instrument can join in. Recently, young girls have started dancing to their tunes.

In the morning, I sit and watch groups of old men perform “Laughter Yoga”, young children learn Judo and middle-aged women immersed deep in a class of pranic breathing. Then there are the walkers and the joggers going their respective ways with their headphones on, oblivious to the sounds of nature.

At afternoon time, the number of families picnicking in the parks has also gone up. Yesterday during my walk, I counted 13 couples schmoozing behind the bushes.

The only thing that I feel wanting in the parks is a sense of cleanliness and hygiene amongst our people. A friend of mine who is immigrating to UK in a fortnight after throwing an empty plastic bottle in the bushes simply said, “Last few days of being lazy, careless and easy-going. Let me enjoy them!”

2)     Photography –

On days when I am feeling uncharacteristically inspired, I simply pickup my camera and start wandering on the streets and parks of Delhi. The city is full of life and there is no dearth of Kodak moments wherever I look. I have taken pictures of hawkers selling their wares, families out on shopping trips, stray dogs being fed by strangers, people engaged in brawls, beggar children smiling and chatting at red lights and traffic cops accepting bribes. I have gone into parks and taken pictures of birds, animals and of people picnicking. It gives me a glimpse into the richness and vitality of life and is a time tested method to inject a dose of fresh energy into my weary life.

3)    Volunteer/Community Work

Combine getting a sense of gratification with some playful moments with people in need, especially kids. Nothing can bring more joy than laughing and playing with kids. Try it out. It works! You will feel better about yourself and come back feeling blissful. There are many child-centric NGOs all over Delhi that are constantly on the lookout for volunteers.

4)     Visit to Malls

I took a European friend along with me to visit DLF Place, Saket just a few days before Christmas. After happily clicking pictures of the largest ever Gingerbread house, the 30 ft Christmas tree, and the food festival, she exclaimed, “This feels like I am in Europe.”

These days there is always something happening at the malls – a rock show, a charity event, promotional events, etc. There is no dearth of action. And if I am bored of all the action, I look for a solitary corner where I make myself comfortable and bury myself deep in a book that always accompanies me.

5)     Free Events or Meetup Groups :

Check local websites, forums and newspapers for free event listing. There are plenty of meet-ups, art exhibitions, charity events, and rock shows that seem to rock the city these days. I am able to locate at least 2-3 free events every week.

You can check for some of these at delhievents.com, meetup.com and bookmyshow.com

6)    Sports/Games:

You own a badminton set that is probably gathering dust somewhere in the closet? Time to bring it out then! Not interested in outdoor sports? How about a game of scrabble, chess, ludo or carom with your friends? Stimulate your grey cells and have some fun simultaneously. Don't have someone to play with - check meetup.com for a group of like-minded individuals pursuing similar hobbies.