Yeh Toh Hota Hai Again !!! – The Moral Dilemma

Yesterday, my friend, Ashish came over to meet me to discuss a particular moral predicament.  He had discovered that the counselor at the drug rehabilitation centre, where he worked, had been sexually abusing four young boys in the age group of 12-14 years for some time now. The kids were street children who had been placed at the rehabilitation centre by a NGO.

He had immediately confronted the owner of the drug rehabilitation centre with this news. The owner, a young, well informed doctor himself, had pleaded with Ashish to suppress the matter. He had gone on to say, ‘Yeh to Hota Hi Hai India Mein. It happens everyday in India, but if you report the matter to the cops, I will be arrested and my career will be ruined forever. I promise you that I will fire the concerned counselor after a month”.

Ashish had been further shocked to find out that the other counselor, a lady from a well educated and affluent background, as well as a few of the other staff members had also known about this whole incident. Instead of taking any action against the perpetrator, they had tried to reason it out with Ashish. They were afraid that if Ashish called the cops, the rehabilitation centre would be shut down by the cops and they would lose their jobs. So it was in everybody’s best interest to hush up the matter.

Ashish realized that he was caught in a Catch 22 situation, straight from the Mahabharata. The doctor was an old and dear friend of his. While he felt extremely repulsed by the whole sequence of events, he did not wish to ruin the doctor’s life. 

Ashish had spoken to the kids. They had been visibly shaken by the whole experience. One of them had run away from the centre. Ashish had tried to provide some degree of consolation and comfort . They had pledged their support to Ashish and had agreed to speak up against the counselor infront of the cops.

I could provide Ashish with only one piece of advice, ‘Do what your heart says is the right thing to do. At the end of the day, you have to live with your own conscience and not with someone else. A wrong is a wrong, no matter who is involved – your best friend, brother or lover. Values have to take precedence over personal relationships if we wish to have peace within our hearts and in the world outside.”

I offered to support Ashish in this particular battle in whichever way I could. We agreed to speak over the phone in the morning to discuss the matter. I was feeling stressed. I had committed to supporting Ashish but doubts began to take shape in my head, “Do I really have the time to do this? How much involvement can I afford in a matter such as this? Am I willing to go to the police station several times if required?”

I decided to seek advice from a friend who runs a NGO for survivors of child sexual abuse. I was dumbfounded by her advice, “ This is going to be too complicated. There will be too many unknown elements – cops, NGOs, etc and then there is your own friendship with this doctor. Do you want to get into this mess? We have to pick our battles in life. Even we ( her NGO) have to turn down cases of child sexual abuse at times when we feel we do not have sufficient resources with us.” 

Ashish called me up in the morning to inform me that he had discussed the matter with his wife, following which he had quit his job at the drug rehabilitation centre.  He had decided to distance himself from the Doctor but at the same time would not to pursue the matter anymore .He did not wish to destroy the Doctor’s life.

The question that lingers on in my mind is, “What about these kids who have been abused? What hope is there for them? Are they not going to end up being criminals, rapists and thugs tomorrow, as is evident from the extensive research done on the effects of child sexual abuse on thinking and behavioral patterns.? Who is taking responsibility for that future – the future of these kids and the future of our country? 

We ask what is wrong with our country. We talk about the socio-cultural factors behind rape and sexual abuse in the country, and when we are faced with real life situations, we conveniently close our eyes and refuse to take responsibility. We knowingly chose to live in denial, wishing the whole thing away. And when the whole cycle repeats itself, we ask the question once more – What is wrong with our country?

And life continues……

The Anger Within

Few weeks back, my brother, along with his fiancé came visiting me and mom. Now, Mom and I stay in a two-room apartment. Having a guest stay over (which is rare) means giving up my bedroom and sharing the other room with my mother. 

My brother and his fiancé were supposed to stay over for two days .I had mentally braced myself for that period. But when at the end of the two days period, they announced their plans to extend their stay by another two days, my heart sank. 

I caught myself feeling irritable and angry with everyone around me, especially with my mother. I stopped myself in my tracks. What was happening? 

Fortunately, I had recently come across a different approach to anger management in a spiritual text. The text spoke about my feelings being my soul’s ways of communicating with me. Each feeling communicates a particular need, desire, or a state of being to me. Sometimes, the feelings tell me of a lack, and at other times of the fulfillment of a need. And the feeling of anger is usually our soul shouting to us about an unmet need.

 This approach to anger management consists of five steps :

Step 1 : Take responsibility for my anger without blaming external circumstances or other people for it. My anger is “my” feeling. I am feeling angry - PERIOD. I cannot blame other people - mother, brother, his fiancé, etc for my anger. I revised my statement from “I am angry with my brother for overstaying in my room.” To “I am angry.”

Step 2 : Pray ( you may laugh but it works) .I sat down in a quiet place and prayed to my Higher Power,” God, I am angry, and I hand over my anger to you. Help me return to a place of sanity.”

Step 3 : Share it  – I have discovered that sharing my feelings with someone else always helps. The feeling becomes less intense. I feel lighter and saner. Humans are social animals. When I share about my anger with someone I trust, my desire to express my anger in damaging or unhealthy ways diminishes. 

Step 4 : Write about what caused the anger. Writing is cathartic. It puts me in touch with my deepest needs and fears . In this particular scenario, I wrote about my anger, and discovered my need to have some private space to myself. It was not my brother, or mother, or anyone else. It was the un-fulfillment of my need that caused the anger. 

Step 5 : Take action to fulfill the need. Upon discovering my need for private space, I went to a park, and spent some solitary time with myself. I felt calmer. When I returned, I asked my brother in a respectful manner if he could spend some time somewhere else , so I could have my room for a few hours. He understood. I got the room.

Everybody was happy in the end.