There is no end to the Pain

My feelings are more emphasized than before.. the urge to smoke, the desire to spit out venomous stuff, the anger at my mother, the immense irritation with her.. it is all back, the anger and hurt with someone, the feelings of victimization and loneliness are all underlined today. Gone is denial and my stark reality stares me in the face, and this time the reality is not about the environment or the characters that populate that, this reality is about the script that is playing in my head, this reality is about how I am chosing to look at life; the anger at myself, the pessimistic attitude towards others.. it is all coming out... the truth, my truth.

And the intense need for intimacy, and the question as to why I feel that need. Can I not feel the wind brushing against my cheeks, can I not feel the rising and falling of my own heartbeats, can I not hear the whispering of the birds in the trees; do I not wake up  inhaling the wonderful fragrance of my own skin; do I not see my mother looking at me lovingly while I am in deep sleep;  is it all not too intimate? or is it too intimidating?

Someone yells at me, someone cuts me in traffic, a mean child, an abusive boss, an unsympathetic friend, a detached partner or simply losing the car keys, or forgetting my mobile at home, or being late for an appointment... the reasons to be a victim and to feel victimized are many; the reasons to feel powerless, hopeless and trapped are too many. I don''t even have to look for them, they populate my world. When something does not work my way, it appears that suddenly nothing seems to be working my way; a bad day; a bad week - just acronyms for the lights turning off one after the other.. the vicious circle of life, the Domino effect.

I stare at myself in the mirror and smile at my own foolishness. I understand this truth about life, but day after day I invariably keep falling prey to it. Is it the pleasure of the game? Is it the comfort of its embrace? What is it that keeps me glued to it?

I write.. I write not because I want to write. I write not because I love to write. I write because I need to channelize these energies that have taken hold of my soul's fortress.. to keep them in check, to stop them from ruining me. I write. I write to save myself. I write to see the face of truth. I write to see me.

Lets play hide and seek. I think of this ridiculous situation that I find myself in . A part of me finds it hilarious. A part of me feels angry, hurt and irritated. Why the anger and hurt? Why? How does it matter if that person responds to me or not? Is that person important to me? Really Pearl? Think over it? Is he really important or is it just my ego that is clasping on to him. What is it? Do I want to get enmeshed in the situation or would I rather prefer to be the interested observer.. understanding, observing and watching at the ripples of emotions generated by this new tide. Do I want into the ocean and feel its freshness permeate my being, or do I sit by its side working out the equations of the tide

I keep shying away from the ugly face of my own truth but there is no denying its existence; it is there very much pronounced when I sit still in the shadows of my own existence.I miss him .. there is no denying that.. i miss his laughter and his touch. I miss feeling cocooned in his hug. I miss that..I miss him terribly. I have not grieved that. The tears are back rolling down my cheeks. The wounds are back to being green. I feel a victim again. I feel powerless again. Here was I a little child playing by the side of the brook and then the skies turned dark all over again.

Where is he/ What is he doing right now? Has he found someone? Is he lonely and broken hearted like me? Or is he happy being where he is in life. I want to know. I very much would like to know.