Self Acceptance

It was a bright and sunny winter afternoon. I finished my work early and headed straight towards home, looking forward to spending some quality time with my grandmother. 

As I entered the house, I thought to myself, "She will be lazying in the Sun on the terrace. I will go and massage her legs. She has been complaining of leg pain for a while. And then I will comb her long, golden locks just like the good old times. It will be nice and intimate."

After changing my clothes and parking my handbag in my room, I walked up to the terrace.

To my utter shock, I discovered that my favourite quilt was hanging on the clothes line to be dried.It had been washed.

It was the same quilt that carried the smell of my cat who had recently died. I was attached to the quilt and the smell. I had strictly forbidden my mother and maid from washing that quilt. I realized my grandmother with her obsession for cleanliness, and washing clothes must have washed it. 

I had been struggling with my grandmother over the issue of space and privacy for a while. I had asked her repeatedly not to intrude into my room and not to wash my stuff without my prior permission. She would keep ignoring my pleas. And now this had happened.

I felt this was an unacceptable intrusion of my space especially since I had requested that no one should touch this particular quilt.

In that moment of anger, I took a conscious decision - the decision to express my anger. My usual way to express my anger is through healthy communication. But I decided that this situation warranted some action to send out a stronger message to her.

I did not say a word to her .I quietly picked up the quilt from the clothes line and shredded it into pieces infront of my grandmother. She just kept watching me. I then went back to my room, thoroughly disappointed.

Ten days later when she died, this incident replayed in my mind several times. But I was able to accept it as part of my human-ness; and as part of our every day human life. Would I change it if I could? No, I would not. Emotions make life enriching, especially when we are simply expressing ourselves and not acting out of pure malice. I was able to accept that part of myself without any guilt. Aah , what a relief !!! If the same incident had happened a year back, I would have spent days flogging myself over it, and maybe even blamed it for my grandmother's death.